Cookie-Stuffing Madness

The following letter was found in a basement apartment, surrounded by cookie crumbs and chocolate smears. The location of the author is yet unknown:

To anyone who finds this:

Help me. I can't stop stuffing cookies.

It began innocently enough, a friend's request, some inspiration from Picky Palate, and a package of Reese peanut butter cups. I had no idea that Reese cups were... a gateway cookie filling!

Soon, I was sending hubby to the grocery, to the bulk store - anywhere to find more items to bake inside cookies.

Oreos (original idea here!), York peppermint patties, fun-size Oh Henry bars, even Williocrisp squares. I knew I was out of control, but I couldn't stop. 

Soon, I had whipped up a batch of chocolate chip cookie dough and doled out scoopfuls onto a pan.

I found the Willocrisps small enough that they needed only a dough ball and a half to cover them entirely. Somewhere in my diseased mind I thought that made them more okay, more acceptable somehow.

Bet you can't guess which one is the Oh Henry.

Soon I had formed dough around all the fillings and was ready to place the first batch in the oven, pushing flashbacks out of my mind. I waited with bated breath outside the oven, trembling with the early stages of withdrawal as I anticipated the results. As soon as they were out of the oven, I busied myself with the next tray, trying desperately to restrain myself from devouring the cookies while they were still 350 degrees.

The moment I deemed the cookies cool enough to try, I selected what I thought my most unusual stuffing and savoured the sight of the monstrous baked good beside its confectionery brethren, before finally splitting it open to observe its wondrous insides.

I could see that the mint patty had held its shape well, and as I jammed the cookies into my face obsessively, I was vaguely aware that the patty's strong mint flavor had mellowed ever-so-slightly in the baking process, infusing the cookie with a sweet, minty aroma that did not overpower the cookie's own flavor.

No sooner had the first cookie vanished than I had to explore another, viciously cutting open the Oreo-stuffed variety. The Oreo held its shape and flavor exceedingly well. It passed through my mind that there was something inherently wrong with stuffing a cookie with another cookie, but by this time, I was well past morals.

 Next, the Willocrisp cookie. I had barely waited for it to cool, and the magma-like melted candy within nearly burned my tongue to cinders. The candy was chewy and had lost its characteristic crispy crunch. Mad with the need for a delicious stuffed cookie, I tossed the failure aside and dove into the next pan.

 Oh. Oh, this was it. The Oh Henry's nougat softened luxuriously in the oven, the nuts remained crisp, the caramel warm and gooey, and the chocolate - oh, the chocolate!  Time seemed to cease existing as cookie after cookie disappeared into my mouth. Space seemed to shift and take on psychedelic qualities as I spun completely into cookie-induced madness.

The walls liquefied, the floor became as a heaving ocean, until I collapsed into sugary unconsciousness.

I write this, still surrounded by cookie shrapnel, from the floor of my basement apartment; my head pounding, my limbs weak. But still, I feel the stirring, the need for this confection, and I reach for the previously discarded Willocrisp cookie. Huh. Hey, you know, once these are fully cooled they actually get crunchy on the inside again. Oh wow - this is really good!

...

Oh dear - it's happening again. Send help! Send vegetables! Send insulin!

Whatever you do, don't bake this at home! Save yourself! Your family!

If this letter is found, tell my family I love them.

- Tamara


*Okay, so maybe I'm being just slightly ridiculous. Ever so slightly. And using the tiniest bit of hyperbole. But seriously, stuffing cookies is a slippery slope. In reality, my bro Duck helped me sample the first batches and the above scenario was completely avoided.

But this could have happened, had I not had a helper. So always use the buddy system, kids. And experiment with baking safely.

Until next time!

PS - For anyone who's never had them, Willocrisps have basically the same stuff inside as a Crispy Crunch bar. Super tasty stuff.