The following letter was found in a basement apartment, surrounded by cookie crumbs and chocolate smears. The location of the author is yet unknown:
Help me. I can't stop stuffing cookies.
It began innocently enough, a friend's request, some inspiration from Picky Palate, and a package of Reese peanut butter cups. I had no idea that Reese cups were... a gateway cookie filling!
Soon, I was sending hubby to the grocery, to the bulk store - anywhere to find more items to bake inside cookies.
Oreos (original idea here!), York peppermint patties, fun-size Oh Henry bars, even Williocrisp squares. I knew I was out of control, but I couldn't stop.
Soon, I had whipped up a batch of chocolate chip cookie dough and doled out scoopfuls onto a pan.
I found the Willocrisps small enough that they needed only a dough ball and a half to cover them entirely. Somewhere in my diseased mind I thought that made them more okay, more acceptable somehow.
|Bet you can't guess which one is the Oh Henry.
Soon I had formed dough around all the fillings and was ready to place the first batch in the oven, pushing flashbacks out of my mind. I waited with bated breath outside the oven, trembling with the early stages of withdrawal as I anticipated the results. As soon as they were out of the oven, I busied myself with the next tray, trying desperately to restrain myself from devouring the cookies while they were still 350 degrees.
The moment I deemed the cookies cool enough to try, I selected what I thought my most unusual stuffing and savoured the sight of the monstrous baked good beside its confectionery brethren, before finally splitting it open to observe its wondrous insides.
I could see that the mint patty had held its shape well, and as I jammed the cookies into my face obsessively, I was vaguely aware that the patty's strong mint flavor had mellowed ever-so-slightly in the baking process, infusing the cookie with a sweet, minty aroma that did not overpower the cookie's own flavor.
No sooner had the first cookie vanished than I had to explore another, viciously cutting open the Oreo-stuffed variety. The Oreo held its shape and flavor exceedingly well. It passed through my mind that there was something inherently wrong with stuffing a cookie with another cookie, but by this time, I was well past morals.
Oh. Oh, this was it. The Oh Henry's nougat softened luxuriously in the oven, the nuts remained crisp, the caramel warm and gooey, and the chocolate - oh, the chocolate! Time seemed to cease existing as cookie after cookie disappeared into my mouth. Space seemed to shift and take on psychedelic qualities as I spun completely into cookie-induced madness.
The walls liquefied, the floor became as a heaving ocean, until I collapsed into sugary unconsciousness.
I write this, still surrounded by cookie shrapnel, from the floor of my basement apartment; my head pounding, my limbs weak. But still, I feel the stirring, the need for this confection, and I reach for the previously discarded Willocrisp cookie. Huh. Hey, you know, once these are fully cooled they actually get crunchy on the inside again. Oh wow - this is really good!
Oh dear - it's happening again. Send help! Send vegetables! Send insulin!
Whatever you do, don't bake this at home! Save yourself! Your family!
If this letter is found, tell my family I love them.
*Okay, so maybe I'm being just slightly ridiculous. Ever so slightly. And using the tiniest bit of hyperbole. But seriously, stuffing cookies is a slippery slope. In reality, my bro Duck helped me sample the first batches and the above scenario was completely avoided.
But this could have happened, had I not had a helper. So always use the buddy system, kids. And experiment with baking safely.
PS - For anyone who's never had them, Willocrisps have basically the same stuff inside as a Crispy Crunch bar. Super tasty stuff.